My Journey Begins: What Now, Lord?

     Little did I know, 7 months to the day tomorrow, I would be sitting here
writing a blog about losing my son, Christian James.  He was not only my
son, he was my only child!  Being "Beautiful Mother" as he would call me, 
was my identity, my whole being,  the BEST THING I HAD EVER DONE 
IN MY WHOLE LIFE!  In an instant, all that was gone, and I am now living 
THE WORST PAIN THAT I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY WHOLE LIFE!   I still
can't believe it is real!  I think the phone is going to ring and again I will 
hear my 3 favorite words,"Hello Beautiful Mother!"  Then reality sets in,
and here I am, childless and devastated, but not hopeless!  Why?  Because
I trust in the Promises of God, my Heavenly Father.  My life verse for quite
sometime now has been Proverbs 3:5,6: Trust in the Lord with all your 
heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways 
acknowledge Him and HE will make your path straight.  Well, you can
see how hard it is for me to understand why God thought it was a good
idea to take my son to heaven.  I don't understand it ,and I don't like it
either!!!   There are quite a few things in my life that I haven't understood:
Why did my father shoot himself ?  Why did my brother jump off a bridge?
Why did my sweet, godly mother have to die from 3 kinds of cancer?  You
would think I've had enough pain for a lifetime, for several lifetimes, but 
no.  When Christian's dad left us, when he was only 6 months old, Oh, I 
guess I didn't mention that one. A dear friend of mine gave me the verse
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans for you, says the Lord, plans for good
and not to harm you, but to give you a future and a hope!  I have held on to
that promise for years.  As you can see, I needed to keep my hope alive.  
All of those verses, speak to me, and tell me that I need to trust and hope
even more than I ever have before.  We don't see the masterpiece that God
is making of our lives.  We only see the puzzle pieces.  He promises He will 
never leave us or forsake us.  Even in this circumstance, when I feel like I
am alone in my pain, He is here, right beside me, even when I think I am 
alone in this nightmare.  So through my pain and this bad dream, I want
to find others who can relate somehow, that not only I can help through 
Christian's death, but who can give me comfort as well!  God tells us to 
Love thy neighbor as thyself, and that is exactly what I want to do.  My son
Christian was not your typical 23 year old, but he did love how unique
people were and tried to make everyone feel loved and happy through his
funny sense of humor and his music.  Through his life, I want to connect
to others with my passion for writing and let people know that they are
loved, and that no matter how hard this life gets, we need to keep our hope
alive and trust that God will keep all of His promises.  I have faith that this
journey that God has passed on to me through my son, Christian 
James, will bring my readers love, joy and peace now and for all eternity!